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The Terrible Secret of Turtle Bay (transcript)
This is the transcript for ''The Terrible Secret of Turtle Bay'', the pilot episode of The Venture Bros. Prologue Tokyo, Japan Mt. Fuji is in the background and a city is spread out before it, with a luxury skyscraper dominating the view. Inside the penthouse, a lovely young lady is holding a long needle. It is an acupuncture needle. A young and very physically fit Japanese man lies on a table, his body covered in acupuncture needles. She inserts the needle into his shoulder. A large man enters the room. Kikai: Master, I have news of Dr. Venture’s latest invention. The young man motions the woman to leave the room and she goes. Kikai: (holding up a newspaper) Yesterday’s New York Herald, science section. The headline reads "Son of Renowned Scientist To Reveal Mysterious New Invention." Otaku Senzuri: Thank you Kikai. You have served your master well. Otaku Senzuri removes a handful of needles and throws them at Kikai. They hit him in the chest and face and he falls to the floor. One needle pins the newspaper to the wall. Senzuri takes the paper. Kikai: (rubbing his elbow as he rises) Wow! Thanks. You totally got the kink out of it. And hey! I don’t want to smoke anymore, either. Opening Credits Act 1 Venture Compound The scene opens to a beautiful bird’s eye view of Venture Industries. Two small vehicles move across the campus. The view pulls in and gives a close up of Dean Venture as he rides on his hover bike. Dean Venture: Scamp! Here boy. Here Scamp. Hank Venture: (pulling up to Dean on his hover bike) Golly, we’ve searched the whole compound. Dean Venture: Twice. Where could that rascal have gone? We gotta get packing if we want to be on time for our trip to the big city. Hank Venture: Yeah, we don’t want Pop to get sore at us. He’s sure on a tear this week. Dean Venture: Aw, he’s just excited about exhibiting his new invention at the U-nited Nations is all. Hank Venture: Say, maybe Pop knows where Scamp has gotten to. Dean Venture: Good thinking, bro of mine. And I thought I was supposed to be the smart one. Hank Venture: Ma Venture didn’t raise no fools. Dean Venture: Wa… We don’t have a mom, Hank. Both boys stand looking awkwardly at the ground and around. Dean Venture: Last one to the hangar’s a rotten banana! Hank Venture: You’re a rotten banana. They hop on their cycles and take off to the hangar. Venture Compound Hangar In the hangar, Brock is washing the X-1 jet. Hank and Dean enter. Dean Venture: Wacky noodle! Hank Venture: Gorilla butt! Hank & Dean together: Hey Brock. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: Boys. Dean Venture: Seen Dad? [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: Lab. Both boys walk off. As Brock continues to wash, we hear a voice. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: (on the wrist communicator) Brock, come in Brock. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: Yeah. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Brock, come to the lab at once. I just made an incredible discovery. Venture’s Lab [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: (speaking into his communicator watch) Remember those prehistoric bones we found out at the Moroccan site? Well it turns out your hunch was correct. They aren’t dinosaur bones as we thought after all. They’re robot bones! [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: (on Venture’s viewscreen) Yeah, great. Well, I’m kind of busy here. I gotta load all your science crap onto the X-1. Venture Compound Hangar [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: (on the viewscreen of Brock’s commicator watch) - Oh well, there’s plenty of time for that. You really ought to see this to believe it. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: Mostly, I really don’t care. Brock turns to look as a mysterious sound is heard. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: OK, I’ll continue my work here and then I’ll be down to help. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: Yeah. Brock looks around and then walks to one of the plane’s wheel wells. Brock gets that twitching look in his eye. Venture’s Lab Venture is popping a few pills as he gets ready to look into a microscope. Hank and Dean enter. Hank & Dean Venture: Hey Pop! [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: (looking annoyed and sighing loudly) Boys. Dean Venture: We’ve looked all over and we can’t find Scamp, Pop. Hank Venture: Have you seen him? [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Scamp? Well of course I have. He’s right over there. Venture points to a glass case holding a skinless dog. Scamp stands and wags his tail. Hank and Dean Venture: Scamp! Dean Venture: He’s all inside out! [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Dean, you’re suppose to be the smart one. You know your father would never turn Scamp inside out. I’ve simply removed all of his skin. Dean Venture: Jeepers. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Scamp is an integral part of some ground breaking research I’m doing for a major cosmetics corporation. (Skinless Scamp is now licking his groin.) You see, their test animals are always expiring before they can finish performing all their super important make-up experiments on them. So your father is perfecting a way of keeping them alive longer. Hank Venture: But Pop… [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Haaaaank! You like pretty girls, don’t you? Hank & Dean Venture: And how! [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Well pretty girls need cosmetics. How do you think they get so pretty? (Hank & Dean shrug) So the next time you see an attractive young lady, and you’re sure to see plenty in New York city, you just think of ‘ol Scamp over there and all he’s done for pretty girl science. (A loud crash is heard from the hangar.) Brock! Venture Hangar Dr. Venture and the boys run into the hangar. Brock is wrestling with a mummy. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: Stay back, Doc! Another one of those mummies got stuck in our landing gear. Mummy: Who dares to desecrate the sacred tomb of- oof! (Brock kicks the mummy in the groin and then proceeds to beat the shit out of him as the mummy protests.) Ow! Hey, hey! Wait a minute. (Brock breaks the mummy's arm.) There’s no reason to - aarghhh! (Brock delivers a karate chop to the throat.) Oof! Ow, oh, hey! Hank Venture: Holy toledo, he ripped on him! Dean Venture: Way to give him a little chin music Brock! [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Well that ought to take care of tha- Dean Venture: Look, Brock still ain’t done with him! Brock unzips his pants and proceeds to urinate on the mummy. Hank Venture: That’s showing him who’s boss, Brock-O! [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Was that really necessary? [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: You have to defile a mummy completely or they’ll come back to life. You know that. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Yes, yes, of course. (Venture kneels to examine the mummy.) Hold the phone. What’s this? This isn’t an ancient mummy at all. These are just ace bandages and toilet paper. Looks like a lot of things weren’t quite as they seem on our last adventure. Eh, Brock?! Venture reaches out to put a hand on Brock’s shoulder, but Brock walks away, avoiding his touch. Venture looks dejected. Hand and Dean, watching, start to giggle loudly. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: (very pissed) Stop that and go pack, damnit! Go! The Monarch’s Cocoon [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Dr. Thaddeus Venture. He’s been a thorn in The Monarch’s side for far too many years. But all that is about to change. (The Monarch paces as he speaks to legions of henchmen who stand ready in the background.) In a moment, you men will be launched into the Venture compound inside this ingeniously modern Trojan horse. (The Monarch points to a large round rocky object.) My false meteor will land safely inside the Venture security perimeter, looking for all intents and purposes, like a real meteor. Dr. Venture’s legendary scientific curiousity will get the better of him. When he immediately drills open the cosmic mystery, he’ll get a face full of men. MY MEN! Loyal foot soldiers in my war on everything. And deadly, just like the monarch butterfly of my namesake. Rows of henchmen are lined up to enter into the meteor. One turns at The Monarch's comments. Henchman: Wha? Butterflies aren’t deadly. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Dr. Girlfriend! The hatch please. Dr. Girlfriend throws the switch to seal up the meteor. Dr. Girlfriend: Ready for launch. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: 3… 2… 1… Launch! Fly my beautiful soldiers. Fly! Zoooooom! Venture Hangar [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: (storing luggage under the jet) Well, thats the last of it. Ready for take off. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: (Popping some pills) Yes! Go! Now! X-1 Cockpit Hank and Dean are at the controls, pretending to be flying and making stupid noises. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: (Grabbing each boy by an ear and pulling them out of the seats.) Stop it, stop it, stop it! The X-1 is not a toy! Everyone takes their seats. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: Buckle up. Brock starts up the jet and taxis it out onto the runway. From overhead, a flaming meteor is fast approaching. It slams into the earth alongside the aircraft runway. The resulting boom and vibration cause Venture to spit his coffee all over the jet’s cockpit. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP! Dean Venture: A meteor! Hank Venture: From outer space. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: Probably want to check it out. Huh, Doc? [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: (looking shaken) No time. No time! [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: Okaaaay. Brock turns and starts the jet again and proceeds to take off. A smoldering meteor is left on the ground. Voices are heard. Henchman 1: I can’t get the hatch open. We landed face down. Henchman 2: Oh god, oh god! We’re gonna die in here. Henchman 3: Oh man, we’re not gonna have to eat each other, are we? Henchman 1: Screw that! What are we gonna do about poo-poos? X-1 Jet The X-1 is soaring through the air. Everything seems normal. Venture is reading his book. Casually he looks out the window and notices something. He looks closer at he window. Breathing heavily on the glass, a crude drawing of a man with "stink" lines labeled "Daddy" appears in the condensation. Hand and Dean giggle loudly in the background. The United Nations - New York The X-1 arrives and sets down on the lawn of the UN. UN Science Director and a group of securtiy officers are there to greet them. Brock and Dr. Venture get off the jet. Dean and Hank come running up from behind. Dean Venture: Yippie! Hank Venture: The United Nations! [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Stay on the X-1 boys. Hank & Dean Venture: Awww… They re-board the jet anyway. UN Science Director: Dr. Venture, we’ve been expecting you. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Yes, we’re right on time as always. You remember my man Brock from last year. UN Science Director: But of course. We still haven’t been able to get the stains out of the carpet. (Turning to guards) Guards, help Mr. Samson with Dr. Venture’s baggage please. Come Dr. Venture, once you unload I can show you where to set up your equipment. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Super good. (turns to guards) Oh gentlemen, be careful not to get too close to the X-1’s engines. (The guards look from Venture to the nearby humming engines. They glow green.) Cancer. Brock, meanwhile, is shutting one exterior cargo compartment, and he opens another. An alligator lunges out and attacks Brock. Brock begins to wrestle and fight the gator. UN Science Director: No way! The guards reach for their weapons, but Venture motions them to stop. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: No, no! There’s no need for those. Watch. Brock proceeds to beat the shit out of the alligator. Then he pulls out his knife. UN Science Director: Good God, what’s he doing now? The UN Science Director and guards cringe at the sight. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: (calmly) Being thorough. Brock is walking towards the group, covered in blood. He wipes the blood off his knife onto his pants. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: It probably stowed away when we were in Brazil last week. Big one too. Guard #1: Halt sir. You can’t enter the United Nations with that weapon. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: That’s alright, soldier. Mr. Samson is my bodyguard. Guard #1: Just the same Doctor, no weapons allowed. I’ll have to confiscate it. Brock gets that look in his eye. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: Go ahead and take it from me. The guard looks at Brock and then over at his fellow guard, who is vigorously shaking his head "no". The United Nations Exhibition Hall UN Science Director: And this is the exhibition hall where you will be giving your demonstration tomorrow. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Gah! Who designed this place? Frank Lloyd Wrong? Ha, ha… ha, ha… ah ahem. Brock, why don’t you take the boys over to the hotel now. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: Yeah, alright. There’s no tail at this con anyway. Brock turns and leaves, pausing briefly at the exit to look around. Above him, a ninja has pinned himself against the walls and ceiling. UN Science Director: (addressing the ninja) Ah, Mr. Senzuri. I would like you to meet Dr. Venture. Dr. Venture, this suspicious looking Asian fellow is Otaku Senzuri. He represents the Onani Corporation of Japan. Senzuri jumps down from the ceiling and walks over to the men. Otaku Senzuri: Ah ha, I have been most anxious to meet you Dr. Venture. Most anxious. (He reaches out and shakes Venture’s hand.) I’ve been hearing a lot about the exciting technological advances you’ve made. I’m eager to see them. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: (Wiping his hand off on his jacket) Ah, yes. I mean, thank you. Venture pops a few more pills and strides off. Senzuri watches intently. A Commercial Airliner The Monarch sits on the plane, sipping an iced drink. His wings are in the seat next to him. Slurping loudly, he realizes his drink is empty and he pushes the stewardess call button. Act 2 New York Hotel It’s nighttime and Hank and Dean are in the hotel bathroom amusing themselves with a paper cup and a bidet. Dean Venture: We have liftoff. Houston to Gemini, you are go for orbit. Hank Venture: Aw, I’m tired of playing astronaut. Cripes, we’re in the city that never sleeps. Can’t we find something fun to do? Dean Venture: I dunno Hank. Pop told us to stay in the hotel the whole trip and not come out. You wouldn’t want him to throw a hissyfit, would ya? Hank Venture: Well we don’t have to leave the hotel to have an adventure. Dean Venture: Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Hank Venture: Probably. Dr. Venture’s Room Venture is asleep in his bed, snoring. The AC duct overhead opens and is removed. Senzuri appears, looking down on Venture. He sees the trunk with Venture’s invention. Carefully, Senzuri lowers a string down until it is an inch from Venture’s open mouth. Senzuri administers a poison to the string which then trickles down it slowly. As the poison is about to drop into Venture’s mouth, a door opens and the draft blows the string out of Senzuri’s hands and out an open window. Quietly, Hank and Dean enter. Dean Venture: This is gonna be awesome. Hank Venture: Shhh. Quiet. The boys pick up Venture’s trunk and take it from the room. Senzuri, meanwhile, is trying to turn around in the AC duct, but keeps hitting his head. In The Venture Brothers’ Hotel Bathroom Dean Venture: Captain to Co-Captain, prepare to dive. Dean looks around with a toilet paper tube periscope. Hank Venture: Roger Captain. Co-Captain closing the hatch. Both boys are sitting in Venture’s trunk, now empty. They close themselves up within the trunk. Senzuri then enters the bathroom via the AC duct. He sees the trunk in the bathtub. Otaku Senzuri: Oh, ha, ha. Clever boys. But not nearly clever enough. Did they really think they could hide it from me for long? Senzuri picks up the trunk with the boys inside and takes off. From inside the trunk we hear… Hank Venture: Oh, hey don’t rock the boat Dean-O. Dean Venture: That’s Captain Dean-O to you. And these rough seas ain’t my doing. Senzuri climbs out through the window and down the fire escape into a dark alley. Looking to see if the coast is clear, he drops the trunk and opens it. Hank pops up, gasping for air. Dean’s beside him, vomiting at Senzuri’s feet. Senzuri grabs both boys. Otaku Senzuri: Where is it? Where is he hiding it? Hank & Dean Venture: A ninja! Hank Venture: Quick dean! Deploy jay - you - dee - oh. The boys then proceed to apply judo chops to Senzuri with the force of a wet tissue. Senzuri just stares at them for a moment and then pinches each of their shoulders, rendering the boys unconscienous. They collapse onto a pile of garbage by a dumpster. Senzuri looks and shakes his fist in fury. Otaku Senzuri: You won this round, Venture. But it is not the last. Hank and Dean are left unconscious in the alley. Two street youths stroll by, stop and return to check the boys. They then proceed to steal their watches and wallets. Dr. Venture’s Hotel Room Dr. Venture is having a weird foetus dream. We hear Brock’s voice. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: Doc. Doc! (SMACK!) Doc! SMACK! And slapped again. Venture slowly opens his eyes. SMACK! [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Oh, oh, I was in the mommy place. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: Get up. The boys are gone. Not answering their communicator watches either. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Well, find them! For God’s sake, if they screw up my gig at the UN... Daylight In The Alley Both boys wake up. Hank Venture: Oh, owie, zowie. What a headache. We must have gone off on one of those benders Brock’s always talking about. Where are we anyway? Dean Venture: Beats me. Lets check our satellite link navigational watches. Both boys check their wrists, but the watches are gone. Hank Venture: Gone. Now I remember. That no good ne’er-do-well ninja must have adios-ed with our watches. That crummy… The view of the boys is obscured by a taxi that pulls up. From the window, The Monarch spies the boys. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Hmmm… Dr. Venture’s precocious progenies. They will be his undoing. Taxi Driver: That’ll be $53.50. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: $53.50! D’oh. He hands the driver a piece of paper. Taxi Driver: What the hell is this suppose to be? [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: An I.O.U.… FOR YOUR LIFE! The Monarch shoots the driver with a dart and the man goes down in the front seat. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Hmmm… you see, just like the flawless monarch butterfly from which I take my name, The Monarch has many ways to sting. Taxi Driver: (from the floor of the cab) Monarchs don’t sting. In The City Hank spies The Monarch exiting the taxi. Hank Venture: Holy guacamole! A giant butterfly. Dean Venture: Criminy! That’s no butterfly. It’s that guy that’s always hating Dad. Super run away! The boys take off running. The Monarch follows. Brock walks outside looking for the boys and starts walking in the opposite direction. He speaks into his communicator watch. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: Boys? Come in, boys. What’s your location? Thug 1: (on the viewscreen) Yo, Snak. Check this out. It’s like some Star Trek crap. Thug 2: What up, fool. Brock targets their location. Subway Station Hank and Dean jump the turnstile and bolt for the train. Dean Venture: Quick! We ride the rails. The Monarch tries to follow, but gets hung up on the turnstile. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: They’ve spotted me, whiney boys. Officer: (grabbing The Monarch) Hold it right there, princess. I saw you jump the turnstile. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Plebeian. Clearly your fear has blinded you, for you dare lay hands upon- Ack! (The officer jerks on The Monarch’s arm to move him along.) Oh, that is it. The Monarch shoots a dart at the officer, but it bounces off his badge and drops to the floor. Both men look at it for a second. The Monarch’s second shot hits home and the officer crumples to the ground. The Monarch sees both boys and prepares to fire again. But his wing gets caught in the train door as it pulls out of the station, dragging him along the platform until he is hit by the tunnel wall. The United Nations Seated in an auditorium, Pete White is talking to Billy Quizboy. Pete White: And he’s always got that big guy with him, Brock something. You can’t tell me nothing’s going on there. Billy Quizboy: No, no. He’s just his bodyguard is all. Pete White: Uh… shhhh. Venture walks up and takes a seat in front of them. Professor Impossible is on the stage giving his presentation on a new car. Professor Impossible: To be perfectly honest, however, my proposed solar powered vehicle is not 100% free of emissions. Because it emits a special form of ozone. Meaning these cars will actually repair our fragile precious ozone layer while you drive. People in the auditorium applaud. Professor Impossible walk to his seat and sits next to Venture. Professor Impossible: Jealous? Outside The Subway Hank Venture: I think we super lost him. Dean Venture: Good team work, big brother. Hank Venture: Hey look. (Hank points to a skanky looking prostitute wearing a Bizzy Bee hat.) It’s one of those pretty girls Pop was telling us about. Prostitute: You boys looking for some action? Dean Venture: And how! We’re always looking for action. Hank Venture: And adventure. Prostitute: Hey, hey, listen. It ain’t safe to talk business on the street. Why don’t I take you boys back to my "Bizzy Bee Hive." Hank & Dean Venture: Yes ma’am! The Monarch crawls from the subway. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Alright, that’s it. I’m tired of screwing around. Those two are so dead. At The Two Thugs' Apartment The two thugs who robbed Hank and Dean are playing video games when Brock kicks down the door. Thug 1: Wha? Damn! Thug 2: Aarghh! The first thug tries to run but Brock throws the door at him and takes him down. Thug 2, Brock shoves out a window using the couch and then proceeds to shove the couch out the window onto him. United Nations Auditorium UN Science Director: Well ladies and gentlemen. You’ve seen a great many wonderful achievements in science today. Our last presenter’s father is a legend in these hallowed halls. We all expect great things of him. I present to you from the United States, Dr. Thaddeus Venture. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: (Speaking to Professor Impossible) Watch and learn, Slim. (Venture goes up to the podium.) Good evening. Since the dawn of time, man has strived to achieve greatness. He’s reached towards the heavens. He’s journeyed to the bottom of the seas. (Venture clicks a remote control and a model city rises from the table with a technological device situated next to us.) He’s built massive cities full of wonder and beauty. And above all, he sought to make peace with his brothers on this wondrous planet we call Earth. Well today, mankind takes another small step towards achieving it’s ultimate goal. I present to you… The Oo-Ray! (Venture turns on the device and it begins to hum. The model city begins to melt.) UN Science Director: Dr. Venture, that is enough! What do you think you’re doing? [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: What? I’m showing everyone my new thing. What’s the matter? I worked really hard on this. UN Science Director: This is suppose to be a peaceful exhibition of scientific breakthroughs for the betterment of all mankind. You show up with this… this … this weapon of devastation. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Weapon? What are you talking about? UN Science Director: Then what the hell do you call it? [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: The Oo-Ray. I mentioned that. Why the applications are limitless. UN Science Director: Are you kidding me? You blew up a model city with it. What are we suppose to think? Look, it even melted all the little people and stuff. Awww. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Well, I suppose if it ever fell into the wrong hands it could be modified and used as a weapon after a fashion. But thats true of almost any technology. UN Science Director: Really? I can’t imagine anyone using Dr. Olaf's "Hello Helmet" for ill. (Taking the podium microphone.) Ladies and gentlemen, I am terribly sorry we have to conclude our presentation on this note. Please, everyone, if you would adjourn to the next room, we’ll be having refreshments and cocktails. Thank you. Everyone leaves the room. Slowly Venture follows them out. Unnoticed, Senzuri remains behind. Otaku Senzuri: Ha, ha. Your clever boys aren’t here to protect your secret this time, Venture. On The Street The Monarch stands back, across the street, watching Hank and Dean enter the old prostitute’s apartment building. The building is pretty old and run down. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Well, well, well. It looks a if these Venture boys are not quite so young and innocent as I thought. They seem to have already discovered the fleshy jig of the mommy and daddy dance. No matter, for as the monarch butterfly spins its deadly web, so shall I set my fiendish trap. The Monarch’s thoughts are interrupted by an unsavory man who has sidled up to him. Dealer: (sniffing loudly) Yo! Coke, smoke, dope? Annoyed, The Monarch primes his gauntlet to fire, but it clicks empty. He didn’t expect that. He changes tactics. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Um, oh - ahem. No, I’m cool. The Prostitute’s Apartment Inside the building, the squeaky sounds of mattress springs can be heard, rhythmically making noise. It turns out Dean is jumping on the bed. Prostitute: (to Hank) Ok big fella, you first. I charge ya 10 bucks for the gilded lily, 20 for the Roman holiday, 50 for the old walrus and carpenter, and for 75 you can sleigh ride down Kilimanjaro. Hank Venture: (gulping) Ma’am? Prostitute: 'Kay, tell you what. (She puts her hand on Hank’s chest.) Why don’t we take it- (Her hand slides down Hank’s chest. Way down below his belt.) nice and slow and get to know each other. Hank’s eyes are wide open and he starts to blush furiously. In The Street Outside, The Monarch waits in an alley, keeping an eye on the building. Suddenly Hank runs out screaming. Hank Venture: She touched me where I make sissy! Dean is right behind him, screaming too. Spying the boys, The Monarch turns to take off after them. But he turns and runs right into Brock. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Oh sweet mamma jamma! [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: Where are they, Monarch?! What did you do with the boys?! [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: Wait a minute, wait… Ow! Ow! Slowly, Brock has brought his hands up to either side of The Monarch’s head. He proceeds to use his thumbs to gouge out The Monarch’s eyes. ''Meanwhile, Hank and Dean are still running with no idea where they are going, until they see the UN building.'' '''Dean Venture: Hey look, its the United Nations. Pops in there right now. Hank Venture: Jiggy! Lets go surprise him. UN Reception Hall Many scientists are milling about, talking and networking. They’re enjoying a buffet that has been set out for them. Pete and Billy see Venture and approach him at the buffet table. Pete White: Way to go Venture. Billy Quizboy: Smooth move Ex-Lax. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: (addressing Pete) Oh, look who’s talking. I seem to remember a certain scientist inventing a little something called the Albino Bomb a few years back. (Now turning to Billy.) And as for you, your hastily assembled cardboard diorama entitled "Where Does Rain Come From?" was not exactly the highlight of these proceedings. Professor Impossible stretches his neck across the room to enter the conversation. Professor Impossible: Hey guys, the surgeon general from Mexico is mixing up margaritas. Come on! They all turn to go, leaving Venture alone. Up from behind come Hank and Dean. Hank and Dean Venture: Dad! [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: (spitting out his drink) Boys! What the hell are you doing here. Hank Venture: We’ve been on a bonafide New York adventure. We saw beautiful girls and ninjas and everything. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Yes, yes. Is Brock with you? I want to get the hell out of here and I need him to pack the Oo-Ray. Dean Venture: Nah, Pop. We haven’t seen him. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Very well, you two can help me. They turn and leave. UN Auditorium In the auditorium, Senzuri is caressing the Oo-Ray. He seems very excited. But he is interrupted when Venture and his boys enter the room. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Mother of crap! Security! Security! Startled, Senzuri throws down a smoke bomb which activates. Where he once stood, Hank and Dean and two guards are now standing, looking around. Guard 1: Wow, he’s disappeared! Dean Venture: No! He’s right there! Dean points to a small thin potted palm, which Senzuri is unsuccessfully trying to hide behind. Senzuri is busted. A guard takes him and starts to lead him away. UN Science Director: Nice work, boys. I’m very sorry about this Dr. Venture. Although it serves you right for bringing that thing in here. With all these foreigners around, someone is bound to try to steal a weapon like that. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Pfft. Weapon. Up to the group walks an army officer. General Manhowers. [[General Manhowers|'General Manhowers']]: He wasn’t trying to steal it. He was masturbating like a teenager with a fast internet connection. Hank Venture: Master what? Dean Venture: Like an evil master plan? [[General Manhowers|'General Manhowers']]: No boys. Otaku Senzuri isn’t evil. He’s a technology fetishist. A man who can only achieve full arousal when in the presence of high tech equipment. Electronics, computers, undersea robots… that sort of thing. It’s only natural that your dad’s work would have peaked his fancy. A fine technological doodad like this. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Fine technological doodad? You mean you like it? [[General Manhowers|'General Manhowers']]: We sure do, Doc. The army will take a hundred of them. [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: Well, I don’t know what use the army will have with them, but its a deal, General. (they shake hands.) I’d better get right to work on them. Dean Venture: Well, looks like all's well that ends well. Another successful adventure for the best family in the whole wide world! Hank & Dean Venture: GO TEAM VENTURE! [[Dr. Thaddeus "Rusty" Venture|'Dr. Venture']]: (Looking on embarrassed.) I suppose. But wait a minute. What happened to Brock? The Prostitute’s Apartment Brock and the prostitute are in bed together. An ashtray rests on his abdomen. She runs a finger along his chest. Prostitute: Phew, oh that was some workout, big man. But I guess you’re gonna hafta go look for those boys now, huh? [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: They’ll turn up. Besides, I still got $300 left. Prostitute: Oooo, 3 bills can buy you an awful lot of things. [[Brock Samson|'Brock Samson']]: I know. I’m gonna want change. She giggles as they roll off the bed for more fun. Post-Credit Scene Hospital Room In a hospital room, equipment is heard hissing and beeping at a steady rate. In a nearby bed lies The Monarch. His arm and leg are in casts. His head and his eyes are bandaged. Doctor: Someone did a real job on you mister. Buy you’re going to make it. Hard to believe considering the size of this thing we pumped from your stomach. The doctor pulls out a set of The Monarch’s wings. They’re torn, wrinkled and drippy. [[The Monarch|'The Monarch']]: (whispering) Don’t throw those out. The End Category:2003 television episodes Category:Season 1 Category:Episode Transcripts